Those ol' love/hate feelings...

5 things that make me want to kick our lazy brain-dead consumerist driven society in the collective balls.

1) Flavored cream cheese.- save yourself a whole 2 seconds by not having to ALSO open that cumbersome jar of jam. And just think of all the extra presertitives you get! Wheeeee!

2) Self-parking cars.- yeah, don't spend an hour on a saturday afternoon actually learning how to drive and park your own car. Oh, wait, isn't this something you were supposed to know how to do to get your license in the first place? If I show up with a car that has this feature do I have to prove the car can actually do it or do I automatically pass that section of the test?

3) TV.- The nearly inevitable black hole of time, space and creativity conveniently located right in the middle of your living room. And bedroom, and some kitchens and I stayed at a hotel once that had it in the bath too.

4) Genetically engineered food- ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

5) High-ticket items' marketing- "oh, gee honey aren't you sweet. Merry Christmas to you too *peck on the cheek*" Applies to all of this year's radio/tv/movie/print advertising for $50,000 vehicles, gaudy diamond jewlery that's worth more than my life (or all those in africa who died of slave labor abuses to harvest that diamond), Washing machine/ dryer sets that cost 10 grand, Fridges with built-in, touch screens, a NEWER iPod, a FASTER computer and a BIGGER/FLATTER/HIGHER-DEF tv all to replace the models you got last year.


5 things I secretly love about the rediculous amount of technology available:

1) Cell phones- I hate the stupid bitch in the corner of the coffee shop bellowing into her phone to her best friend about how 'Sandy totally dated him before Carrie even knew who he was, can you believe it?!?!' But I love that I can get calls no matter where I am. Very supportive of activites such as last minute bar crawls, drunken dialing and when you run out of gas on the side of the road.

2) The internet. -I know, big duh. But seriously, the days of the eternal brain fart are gone! Can't remember that one actors name? Some historical fact you know you knew at one time but since you slept through most of 1st period american history in high school you can't recall it now? You can just hop on the internet and find your answer in under 1 minute if you know where to look. No more "it's on the tip of my tounge". And with that comes online radio. You can live in any little hole of a city, like say, oh Eugene, where there are 4 radio stations, but it doesnt matter because you can get online and listen for days and days to any genre of music your little heart desires with 'nary a commercial.

3)That being said I'll also include My laptop- I've got a crapload of work to get done. But am I doomed to spend the whole day at my desk or in the office? NO! Now, I'm doing it the park, at the coffee shop, in the car on the way to some much more interesting activity, at the parents to simultaneously fulfill familiar obligations, If I ever rode the bus like a good little hippie, I could do it there too. Freedom in some sence, granted you're still working but fuck that office cubicle!

4) Hybred vehicles.- Bio-disel, electric hybrids and all that other eco-friendly crap. But you have to admit it's really cool to see SOME sort of action FINALLY being taken. Even if they only make a big deal about it to advert our attention from all the other shit they're NOT doing.

5) ok, maybe there are only 4, If I think of anything else you'll be the first to know.

In the wee small hours of the morning....

It's 5:14am- the alarm goes off and I'm literally shocked out of bed. My legs swing themselves over the edge and I sit up, teetering for a moment as I try to grasp my bearings. I lean over switch on the bedside lamp and recoil in horror as the light exorcises the sleep demon from my eyes.
"maybe this wasn't such a good idea". It's the same thought I had yesterday morning. But was it only yesterday? It seems to me at this moment that yesterday morning was more like a month ago.
I stumble to the bathroom and am acosted by the icy livingroom air. (Turning off the heat at night to conserve energy has obviously failed miserably as a clever idea.) I trip backwards into my bedroom and slam the door shut. "Quick, quick, make it quick" I think and begin throwing on layers of clothing. Polished off with thick socks and a scarf I stretch my legs, grab my iPod and make another attempt.
The early morning air burns my cheeks and at the first deep breath I gasp as the frozen stillness solidifies my insides with it's dry but glacial touch.
I take off down the street towards the bike path and realize that I've already learned many interesting things thanks to my newest self-inflicted torture.

1. I've lived in Oregon my whole life yet somehow the short-ass Summer alway succeeds in making me forget how fucking cold it can get here.

2. Despite aformentioned cold, it is NOT necessary for one to wear many layers when running unless one enjoys the added challenge of stripping down to one's tank top and then trying to figure out how to carry a scarf, sweatshirt, long-sleeved UofO jersy, gloves, t-shirt and jog at the same time.

3.If one has a well endowed chest-al region it is not an altogether ineffective solution to double up on the support of said region.

4. Nothing will cure your craving for a cigarette like wheezing your way up and down the bike path. Nature's way of kicking you in the balls for having started in the first place.

5.It's still dark at 5:30am. And at 6am and 6:30. This being a facinating observance since I've only ever been up at this hour while drunk during the summer months and without the confusing element of pre-dawn sleep.

6. Humans are not camels. The human belly is not designed to be loaded with water before a run. Such actions result, apparently, in stomach pain, side aches and yes it is humanly possible to vomit nothing but water.

7. My roommate doesn't sleep at night.

8. There are alot of hobos on the bike path at 5:30am.

I feel that I owe a debt of graditude to my new morning ritual. A healthier body (possibility of self-induced heart attacks aside) and a broader knowledge of the world around me. I think of all the facinating things I've already learned from my little jaunts.... and I still rather be sleeping in.

Monday Night's Bordom is the Mother of Creativity

What do you do when you're bored? Some people snack and others watch the boob-tube. The artsy kind might pull out their instument of choice and strum or pound away while others might brandish their paints or pastels.
Some might call a friend on the phone and gab for an hour or find some undone housework that should have been started and finished so many days ago. And they'll start it and somehow it still won't get finished.
Personal preference would lean me towards a bordom blues cure of the liquid kind. But financial constraints, (or complete and utter lack of funds altogether) prevent me from following that course of relief. So instead what results is a self-photographic exhibition of my sober stupor posted below. Wistful looks? Dreamy eyes? Pensive mood? Nope it's just my 'Damn, I need a beer' face.

5 reasons not to hate his Exes

Something I wrote for a friend last year (who I happened to meet because she was dating one of my exes). A conversation I had today reminded me of it. And since I thought it was kind of clever, I'm sharing with you.

5 reasons not to hate his ex-girlfriends

It could be easy to harbor some small amount of animosity towards your new lover's ex but here are a few reasons that it's not necessary.

1. Who he is today

A lot of the things you love about him can be attributed to things he learned to do or NOT do, as the case may be, in past relationships. You learned how to communicate better, how to be more thoughtful and how to disagree/argue more effectively (hopefully) by practicing on your exes and so has everyone else.

2. Tell-tale of his character

A guy who remains friends with an ex might feel a little uncomfortable for you at first but you should think about all the great things that says about his personality. He understands that relationships between men and women don't have to always be sexual and that even if they were at one point, he's mature enough to know that just because it didn't work romantically doesn't mean he has to miss out on all the things he has in common with that person as a friend.

3. He's with you, not her

You don't have to worry about him running off with an ex. Most guys could give you hours of detailed stories pertaining to why they broke up with their ex. Though they probably shouldn't spout off about it unless asked. There is a reason that he's with you not her. (Though if he doesn't have ANY stories about why he's not with her.... head's up!! )

4. Those wild things he does in the bedroom

He might be creative but you don't really think he just came up with those on his own do you? Nope, not a night of watching cheap cheesey porn movies either. You can probably thank one of his Exes for him helping hone that crazy streak.

5. You both have an entire life that exsisted before eachother

How obnoxious is it to be around people who are so googely over each other that they don't realize anything else in the world exists. If you don't want to hear about any of the things he did with exes you're going to miss a lot. Think about how many funny stories, cool trips and amazing things you've seen in the past that happened while you were out with some one you were dating. If you get weird about it you're going to miss out on knowing your guy better, understanding where he's coming from and the cool stuff he's seen and done.

Extra Credit-

There's no better 'vengance' than happiness. Be yourself, be friendly, be confident. What? She's going to hate you because you're genuinely nice? Who knows, you might find out you actually have some things in common (besides him).

"Nice Guys", Random guys, weird guys... I give up, you guys...

It's true we women want a nice guy. Even if he's a bad boy we want him to be nice, right? But there's a difference between a guy who's nice and a 'nice guy'. How often do you hear 'nice guys' bitching about how "women always say they want a nice guy but they never give us a chance. I'm always a friend but never a boyfriend." Boo fucking hoo! I think 'nice guys' are missing the point. We want a nice guy not a wiener!!! Let me explain how this works. 'Nice guy' means you open the door for us or ask about our day and actually listen once in a while. 'Nice guy' does NOT mean a devastatingly shy sci-fi fan with shaky social skills. 'Nice guy' does NOT mean awkward self-conscious video gamer who hasn't figured out that there exists a whole world of clothing outside his stained 5 year old high waisted jeans and holey t-shirts.

Why are we supposed to feel guilty for not trying a 'nice guy' if we don't even have anything in common with him. Like really wanting to go buy an adorable purebred boxer pup to train to guard the family but feeling bad because you're "supposed" to go to the pound and give one of the scrawny weird yappy mutts with house training issues a chance. Maybe 'nice guys' should try projecting their feelings onto a girl that they actually have something in common with. It's not that difficult of a concept. You really like something, you find a girl who also enjoys that something. You have lots of things you like, you find a girl who likes those things. You see where I'm going with this?

Sure there are those really high-maintenance girls who wouldn't date a 'nice guy' because he's not handsome enough or doesn't make enough money but give me a fucking break!! We're not all shallow bitches.

All that the most of us EVER ask is that the guy is:

A) reasonably intelligent
You say you finished high school? Then you should know the difference between: your and you're --- they're, there and their. It not that hard. In fact it's something we all learned in 6th grade, 6TH GRADE PEOPLE!!!! Speaking/ writing in full sentences is always appreciated.  (And as I once read: "wat's up, yo". GODDAMNIT! One letter cannot possibly cost you enough time that it's worth sacrificing your dignity.)

B) I have my requisite 28.
If you don't know what I'm referring to, you shouldn't be so fucking surprised nobody wants to date you. If you DO know what I'm referring to and you just took the time to "count", you shouldn't be so fucking surprised nobody wants to date you. If you have all the original 32 it's no big deal but if you're missing any due to negligence (especially the visible ones) it's probably going to be a deal breaker. Brush your fucking teeth.

C) Money, looks and other superficial stuff:
Most of us don't care if you make a load of money. We DO care if you're lazy, don't have goals, don't have a job or no plan for your life. Most of us don't care if you're not 'hot'. We DO care if you act in a way that lets everyone know you're obsessively self-conscious. Most of us don't care that you're not a wild nightclubbing party animal. We DO care if you spend most of your spare time playing video games in a dark room on sunny days, vegging on the sofa in front of the boob-tube or refuse to EVER go do something wild and crazy.

There's so much more to blather on about but I give up. You guys are on your own.

Oregon Country Fair 2006


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Brooklyn Kickballers are cool....

Thanks to the Brooklyn kickballers for giving me an idea for my next little side project for our own NWAACK team... Music Montage!!!!!

Things About Boys....

UPDATE: Oh, for the love of all that's holy! If you don't know me and my sence of humor or that I'm usually bizarre-ish-ly optimistic 98.3452938483% of the time, don't leave me rude comments. Yes, I'm well traveled, no I don't hate men, no I'm not going to become a bitter man-hating lesbian and I never said ALL guys. Go find your funny bone! And now my original blog post:

I have my moments where I lack faith in the opposite sex. Bare with me while I rant just a little- My obnoxious optimism will be back shortly~

> Even at 25/29/34 years old, there are still guys who tell you anything to get in your pants- and you can never tell who they are.

> You're tempted to believe: "What's WRONG with me??? Why can't I just find a good guy?"

The truth of it is: "You can't be a better judge of character than they are liar"

> Hey Boys!!- Hiding or omission of important facts such as "I have a girlfriend/wife/12 kids/ drug problem/ am from an alien planet", is still lying!

> Regardless of what you think (or what your friends have told you) No, you're NOT that attractive- and there's no way in hell you're ever going to get a super model to date you.

> And since we're giving advice, here are a few things I'm going to throw out there into the cosmos so you guys can get your acts together!

1. Never, EVER take your pants off first. You standing around in your socks with your willie poking out from under your t-shirt is not, NOT sexy and she's either going to cringe and think very seriously about faking an athesma attack or you're not going to see her after tonight . Probably both. So for the love of all that is holey (and that should not be a reference to your socks or underwear) THE SOCKS ALWAYS GO FIRST!

2. Asking if she has come yet. You really should be able to tell. If she really came, you'd know she came and if she faked it, you'd think she came . Most women make noise but if you really don't know, don't ask. In fact if you can't tell you shouldn't be allowed to have sex. HOW THE HELL did you even get laid?!?!

3. Please and Thank You manners do not apply. Don't ask if you can kiss her. If you feel the vibe, grow some balls and just kiss her already. Same with sex, she'll let you know she' s interested, or not. Nothing says "I'm hoping you're cheap and easy" like trying to drag her to the bedroom or asking her if she wants to "do it".

4. Thanking her. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. She's not a charity worker and your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

5. If you're being blessed with a bit of oral pleasure, don't thrust (unless you want to be dry heaved upon) don't sneer profanities or dirty talk at this point in time (unless you want her to feel like a hooker) & don't grab her head (unless you want to get bit, and not in the good way)

6. Using too little tongue is passable, kissing with too much tongue or trying to pull that huge, open mouthed suction cup hollywood kiss and you'll never get to second base.

7. and last but not least, a little drunken action is not a marriage proposal, or even a relationship proposal. But that also doesn't mean we want to be ignored or get the awkward "hey" with no eye-contact for months afterward. We're all adults, and us girls are not your physco ex, so quit taking it out on us.

I still love you guys- Beth

Prince Charmings need not apply...

No wonder so many women are unhappy in love. "where's my Prince Charming to take me away from it all? My handsome prince who will shower me with affection and gifts and flowers etc, etc, etc"

these must be women who are single with kids, still get perms on a regular basis and spend far too much time scrapbooking because they are obviously not living in the present or in any known reality.
Here's what I don't get about the whole 'fantasy':
1. The guy wears purple tights. Now, I'm all for a guy in drag, but never at any point in time during ANY century have tights ever been manly. Yet, here's our Prince Charming prancing around the countryside in them. An entire wardrobe of leotards, because someone told him they were in this season so he went along with it. Trust me kids, that is a high maintenance hombre right there!
2. He kills endangered animals for a living, thus, single handedly obliterating an entire, albeit fictional, species.
and 3. He's got a large, white, hairy beast of burden following him around everywhere. I love horses but I'm pretty sure there's something not all together natural about spending that much alone time with your steed.

Alright, so If I've no interest in Prince Charming- and don't even get me started on 'The Perfect Man"- What could I possibly be looking for..... I like to call him Mr. Wonderfully Flawed.

He would probably have body art and piercings. He'd be artistic and maybe a little (or a lot) nerdy. He'd be a master in the long lost arts of things such as spellcheck and using capitol letters at the beginning of sentences when he writes. He'd pick wild flowers as a romantic gesture because he'd know how I value the thought behind the effort and he'd drink a beer in the park with me on Valentine's Day as we laugh about all the people who just spent $150 on a mediocre dinner in a crowded restaurant just to impress a girl.

He'd be a guy who's positive and passionate about life. A guy who doesn't NEED me, but is sure glad I'm around. A guy who will let me test out my newest kitchen experiment on him and will let me drag him to the occasional latin dance even if he can't seem to get his hips to do anything but convulse awkwardly in an opposite direction from the rest of his body.

He'd love, more than anything, to travel. He'd love staying in hostels because of all the strange and wonderful people you meet there. He'd be grateful we were blessed to be born in this country but his heart would break over the injustice that befalls the innocent and the poor the world over.

His favorite way to end an argument would be to agree to disagree and then partake in a little bit of wild, mid-day nookie, just to show there are no hard feelings.

He'd love my quirkiness and my kinkiness and how content I am not looking like a super-model and even how I have a tendency to ramble when I've had a few too many drinks, about all the amazing things I've seen on the Discovery Channel. He'd also appreciate that I'm straight forward and prefer to tell it like it is. That, if I had fun on Thursday, I'm not waiting 3 days to call again. It doesn't mean I want to get married for god's sake! Just that I had fun and don't really want to wait till Monday to make plans to hang out again because I'm too lazy for mind games.

I realize that a Mr. Wonderfully Flawed may very well be as hard to find as a guy in purple tights on a white charger meandering about town, but I hold out hope that he's out there somewhere.
~Beth

anti-terrorist PSA

Things that make you go mmmm... oh yeahhhhhhh

A short list of things that cause that deliciously involuntary moaning....

Number 5...
Coffee,
You got 3 hours of sleep last night and now you have to get up at 6am and sit through a math class, work meeting or other monotonous but required activity. You don't know how you're going to even stay awake to put your shoes on and drive there but then that rich delectable aroma comes bellowing out of the coffee maker, filling the entire house... ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah!

Number 4....
Ice cold water,
It's 100 degrees outside, you can barely breathe from the heat yet for some reason (mostly the lack of sun due Oregon's obnoxiously loooong winter) you've decided to do some sort of outdoor activity (yea, kickball!) OR have been drinking all night and now you've passed out and can't wake up but are dreaming about how thirsty you are... then FINALLY somehow you meet up with that glass of lucious ice cold crusty-something-crawled-in-my-mouth-and-died curing water... that first sip? OHHHHHHHHH yeahhhhh!

Number 3....
Peeing,
You're 3 hours into a long car trip. After 2 pre-trip beers. And a Rockstar to keep awake. AND a bottle of water for hydration. Your bladder is buldging,you're sitting like a 2x4 to avoid any undue pressure on your lower region, you're trying to think about ANYTHING except how bad you have to pee and are actually trying to determine how long it would take to live down wetting yourself in the car or taking a leak on the side of the freeway with 'neer a bush to hide you while you do your deed. Finally salvation is on the horizon and you scream and swear violence upon the driver if they don't pull over for that rest stop. Somehow you are magically capable of leaping from the car before it comes to a full stop, sprinting to the nearest restroom (boys', girls' who cares at this point) and shove a little old lady out of the way. You cop a squat and release. OOOhhh Ohhhhh OOHHHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!

Number 2,
Sex (of course)
No explaination needed unless you've only had bad sex and then you wouldn't understand anyway would you?

And the Number 1 action that feels soooo good you can't control those ungodly moans of sheer and utter pleasure
ALLERGIES!!
Only those who suffer from this seasonal hell will understand. The ragweed and grass pollen is so heavy in the air that a smog-like cloud hangs heavily over the valley. Your nose runs, your chest wheezes with every breath and your EYES DEAR GOD YOUR EYES. How they burn. How they itch. If...only...you...could...just...but NO, you musn't, it will only make it worse! Well, maybe just a little rub. Just a quick... little... ohhhh ohhhh OHHHH YESSS HARDER, FASTER, BACK AND FORTH SOOO. GOOOD.

and that's my list of things that make you go mmmmmmm.
Any you can think of?

a little like prison...

I graduated yesterday!!!!! After years of changing majors, taking sabbaticals, travelling, coming back to study and finally going insane for 9 months while finishing up non-stop projects for Graphic Design classes.... I'm done. Suddenly, I'm done. No more nights that I can't afford to sleep for getting a project done on time. No more studying at the bar, no more homework or Kinko's or stress that makes me want to cry because I'm so overwhelmed, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Like a prisoner that's just been granted freedom, I don't know what to do with myself! I might actually have to create a to do list just so I have something TO do. It's that love hate relationship.... Wow, I'm going to go figure out how to be a productive member of society... Beer anyone?

beer alteration amendment

So this weekend I took my new lighter beer goal to heart and started off the night with a couple of Sessions... ok not so bad...not so good either but what ever. I had a pabst- REALLY not so good and stole someone's something else that wasn't good either... then I fell off the wagon and bought a Lagunitas IPA. DEAR JEZUS JesuChristo-Madremia-de-la- Virgin-de-Guadalupe Santisima! I learned an important lesson.... Fuck light beer. Yup, that's it. Fuck light beer. It's obvious that it will be infintely easier to learn to pace myself throughout the night and nurse my beloved micros than to give them up. I'm happy, the bar is happy (micros, if you didn't know, cost at least twice as much) I support local business (breweries) and they're happy... my liver? not so happy... but who ever gave a shit what their liver had to say about the matter?

The beer alteration chronicels

The beer snob's 12 step program

(The Introduction)
Hello, my name is Beth, I am a brew snob. I just can't seem to bring myself to gag down a bad beer. I'd rather be at a party drinking a water than a Miller lite. ACK!
I'm here because I believe I finally hit rock bottom Last Friday. A night of friends, music and beer. I would have loved to join in the drinking all night (which ended somewhere around 5am). Unfortunately since I started tossing back microbrews right from the start by the 4th one I was already so buzzed I could hardly see straight. At some point I may or may not have put down another one or two but even so by the time we headed over to the Horsehead I was nursing ice water so that I could at the very least give directions back to my house later on.
The water sipping continued through out the rest of the night and I do feel bitter about this. At some point there were group shots being taken, beers being passed around and couple rounds of drinking games. All of which I had to sideline to avoid passing out face first on the porch or where ever I might have been.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I needed to join this 12 step program. 12 steps to the appreciation of lighter beers. Crappy beer does have it's advantages as many of you already know... things such as $1 pabst nights (never get that if you're a Lagunitas fan) Nearly half the calories, and the the wonders that come of being able to drink all night without getting so incredibly blitzed that I can't remeber if the band was any good or not.

How do I LOATHE monday mornings?.... let me count the ways....

So I sit here in class. Completely and utterly zoned out. Who's great fucking idea was it to stick of room full of hands-on, artsy-fartsy design students in a 3 hour lecture class on the technical layouts of print files at 8:30 on a monday morning??!?!? Stupid bastards! Insipid morons!

I glance around and notice at least 4 other students, at this very moment are losing their battle against nodding off and drooling all over their keyboards as the teacher drones on about how exciting it can be to create brochures using a duotone process. I hear words like POSTSCRIPT and VECTOR and RASTERIZING IMAGES and can't recall for the life of me what exactly they mean. I suppose it's good I can at least recognize that I'm supposed to know what they mean. Though, not such a good thing that I can't recall them and I'm graduating in 8 weeks.

Nobody's paying attention, yet he keeps asking questions that nobody can (or will) answer. Then stands there "anybody? any ideas? anyone?.....no? OK let me tell you" and off he goes yammering about bleed and trim lines. Once again quips "does everyone understand? any questions.. no?"

The class is silent, we've all either dozed off in the dimmed light near the back of the room or just given up on the hope of there being any good in the world and passed out from hopelessness...
DEAR GOD WHY???? WHY, why WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!!?