UPDATE: Oh, for the love of all that's holy! If you don't know me and my sence of humor or that I'm usually bizarre-ish-ly optimistic 98.3452938483% of the time, don't leave me rude comments. Yes, I'm well traveled, no I don't hate men, no I'm not going to become a bitter man-hating lesbian and I never said ALL guys. Go find your funny bone! And now my original blog post:I have my moments where I lack faith in the opposite sex. Bare with me while I rant just a little- My obnoxious optimism will be back shortly~
> Even at 25/29/34 years old, there are still guys who tell you anything to get in your pants- and you can never tell who they are.
> You're tempted to believe: "What's WRONG with me??? Why can't I just find a good guy?"
The truth of it is: "You can't be a better judge of character than they are liar"
> Hey Boys!!- Hiding or omission of important facts such as "I have a girlfriend/wife/12 kids/ drug problem/ am from an alien planet", is still lying!
> Regardless of what you think (or what your friends have told you) No, you're NOT that attractive- and there's no way in hell you're ever going to get a super model to date you.
> And since we're giving advice, here are a few things I'm going to throw out there into the cosmos so you guys can get your acts together!
1. Never, EVER take your pants off first. You standing around in your socks with your willie poking out from under your t-shirt is not, NOT sexy and she's either going to cringe and think very seriously about faking an athesma attack or you're not going to see her after tonight . Probably both. So for the love of all that is holey (and that should not be a reference to your socks or underwear) THE SOCKS ALWAYS GO FIRST!
2. Asking if she has come yet. You really should be able to tell. If she really came, you'd know she came and if she faked it, you'd think she came . Most women make noise but if you really don't know, don't ask. In fact if you can't tell you shouldn't be allowed to have sex. HOW THE HELL did you even get laid?!?!
3. Please and Thank You manners do not apply. Don't ask if you can kiss her. If you feel the vibe, grow some balls and just kiss her already. Same with sex, she'll let you know she' s interested, or not. Nothing says "I'm hoping you're cheap and easy" like trying to drag her to the bedroom or asking her if she wants to "do it".
4. Thanking her. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. She's not a charity worker and your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
5. If you're being blessed with a bit of oral pleasure, don't thrust (unless you want to be dry heaved upon) don't sneer profanities or dirty talk at this point in time (unless you want her to feel like a hooker) & don't grab her head (unless you want to get bit, and not in the good way)
6. Using too little tongue is passable, kissing with too much tongue or trying to pull that huge, open mouthed suction cup hollywood kiss and you'll never get to second base.
7. and last but not least, a little drunken action is not a marriage proposal, or even a relationship proposal. But that also doesn't mean we want to be ignored or get the awkward "hey" with no eye-contact for months afterward. We're all adults, and us girls are not your physco ex, so quit taking it out on us.
I still love you guys- Beth