Friday, August 04, 2006


UPDATE: Oh, for the love of all that's holy! If you don't know me and my sence of humor or that I'm usually bizarre-ish-ly optimistic 98.3452938483% of the time, don't leave me rude comments. Yes, I'm well traveled, no I don't hate men, no I'm not going to become a bitter man-hating lesbian and I never said ALL guys. Go find your funny bone! And now my original blog post:

I have my moments where I lack faith in the opposite sex. Bare with me while I rant just a little- My obnoxious optimism will be back shortly~

> Even at 25/29/34 years old, there are still guys who tell you anything to get in your pants- and you can never tell who they are.

> You're tempted to believe: "What's WRONG with me??? Why can't I just find a good guy?"

The truth of it is: "You can't be a better judge of character than they are liar"

> Hey Boys!!- Hiding or omission of important facts such as "I have a girlfriend/wife/12 kids/ drug problem/ am from an alien planet", is still lying!

> Regardless of what you think (or what your friends have told you) No, you're NOT that attractive- and there's no way in hell you're ever going to get a super model to date you.

> And since we're giving advice, here are a few things I'm going to throw out there into the cosmos so you guys can get your acts together!

1. Never, EVER take your pants off first. You standing around in your socks with your willie poking out from under your t-shirt is not, NOT sexy and she's either going to cringe and think very seriously about faking an athesma attack or you're not going to see her after tonight . Probably both. So for the love of all that is holey (and that should not be a reference to your socks or underwear) THE SOCKS ALWAYS GO FIRST!

2. Asking if she has come yet. You really should be able to tell. If she really came, you'd know she came and if she faked it, you'd think she came . Most women make noise but if you really don't know, don't ask. In fact if you can't tell you shouldn't be allowed to have sex. HOW THE HELL did you even get laid?!?!

3. Please and Thank You manners do not apply. Don't ask if you can kiss her. If you feel the vibe, grow some balls and just kiss her already. Same with sex, she'll let you know she' s interested, or not. Nothing says "I'm hoping you're cheap and easy" like trying to drag her to the bedroom or asking her if she wants to "do it".

4. Thanking her. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. She's not a charity worker and your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

5. If you're being blessed with a bit of oral pleasure, don't thrust (unless you want to be dry heaved upon) don't sneer profanities or dirty talk at this point in time (unless you want her to feel like a hooker) & don't grab her head (unless you want to get bit, and not in the good way)

6. Using too little tongue is passable, kissing with too much tongue or trying to pull that huge, open mouthed suction cup hollywood kiss and you'll never get to second base.

7. and last but not least, a little drunken action is not a marriage proposal, or even a relationship proposal. But that also doesn't mean we want to be ignored or get the awkward "hey" with no eye-contact for months afterward. We're all adults, and us girls are not your physco ex, so quit taking it out on us.

I still love you guys- Beth

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

No wonder so many women are unhappy in love. "where's my Prince Charming to take me away from it all? My handsome prince who will shower me with affection and gifts and flowers etc, etc, etc"

these must be women who are single with kids, still get perms on a regular basis and spend far too much time scrapbooking because they are obviously not living in the present or in any known reality.
Here's what I don't get about the whole 'fantasy':
1. The guy wears purple tights. Now, I'm all for a guy in drag, but never at any point in time during ANY century have tights ever been manly. Yet, here's our Prince Charming prancing around the countryside in them. An entire wardrobe of leotards, because someone told him they were in this season so he went along with it. Trust me kids, that is a high maintenance hombre right there!
2. He kills endangered animals for a living, thus, single handedly obliterating an entire, albeit fictional, species.
and 3. He's got a large, white, hairy beast of burden following him around everywhere. I love horses but I'm pretty sure there's something not all together natural about spending that much alone time with your steed.

Alright, so If I've no interest in Prince Charming- and don't even get me started on 'The Perfect Man"- What could I possibly be looking for..... I like to call him Mr. Wonderfully Flawed.

He would probably have body art and piercings. He'd be artistic and maybe a little (or a lot) nerdy. He'd be a master in the long lost arts of things such as spellcheck and using capitol letters at the beginning of sentences when he writes. He'd pick wild flowers as a romantic gesture because he'd know how I value the thought behind the effort and he'd drink a beer in the park with me on Valentine's Day as we laugh about all the people who just spent $150 on a mediocre dinner in a crowded restaurant just to impress a girl.

He'd be a guy who's positive and passionate about life. A guy who doesn't NEED me, but is sure glad I'm around. A guy who will let me test out my newest kitchen experiment on him and will let me drag him to the occasional latin dance even if he can't seem to get his hips to do anything but convulse awkwardly in an opposite direction from the rest of his body.

He'd love, more than anything, to travel. He'd love staying in hostels because of all the strange and wonderful people you meet there. He'd be grateful we were blessed to be born in this country but his heart would break over the injustice that befalls the innocent and the poor the world over.

His favorite way to end an argument would be to agree to disagree and then partake in a little bit of wild, mid-day nookie, just to show there are no hard feelings.

He'd love my quirkiness and my kinkiness and how content I am not looking like a super-model and even how I have a tendency to ramble when I've had a few too many drinks, about all the amazing things I've seen on the Discovery Channel. He'd also appreciate that I'm straight forward and prefer to tell it like it is. That, if I had fun on Thursday, I'm not waiting 3 days to call again. It doesn't mean I want to get married for god's sake! Just that I had fun and don't really want to wait till Monday to make plans to hang out again because I'm too lazy for mind games.

I realize that a Mr. Wonderfully Flawed may very well be as hard to find as a guy in purple tights on a white charger meandering about town, but I hold out hope that he's out there somewhere.